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Shappy's Journal  A bright light is all I can see I dont know what any of this is I see a man in white clothing pulling on me Another man with brown hair with a smile ear to ear A woman with her hair all disheveled crying Days later no one i've seen is here Its just me Where did everyone go? I'm scared...I wish I was older. Months later, those people again The man with brown hair, and the crying woman. Ill call them mommy and daddy The people who take care of me The people I depend on The people I love But still I wish I was older My first day of school First grade is terrifying me A new world of homework and tests has begun But still I wish I was older Fifth grade, where did the time go? Soon i'll be leaving elementary school. Into a new world of eight classes and lockers Remember how scary having lockers was? Am I going to be able to to get them open? Will I be late to class? Remember? Bedtime is at eight Why can't I stay up late? Why can't I play basketball till ten? Swim in the pool or watch scary movies. I wish I was older. Summer of seventh grade Packing up my whole life I'll say goodbye to everything I know Hello new world Hello new people Hello new house I don't want to be the new kid I don't know anyone Why do I have to do this? I wish I was older Tenth grade Boy is it hard Alot of homework Alot of stress I really want my drivers license Just so I can feel a little freedom So much responsibility So much work I can't wait to get out of high school Just to be my own boss I wish I was older End of senior year It's all over The people I didn't know five years ago Are now the ones I consider family I can't wait for college My own decisions No one riding me to get that project done My stucture, my rules I wish I was older End first year of college Wow is it harder than I thought I don't want to deal with all of this work I can't wait for this to be done No more worrying about if i'm going to be home for that tv show Rather worrying who's gonna be designated driver for this wild party People getting mad at eachother and ditching eachother for boyfriends and girlfriends I hate dealing with all of this I just want into the real world already I wish I was older Still in school but entering the real world Working long shifts Paying the bills All seems well But still I wish I was older Credit cards and car payments What happend to those easy days? The days I took for granted For what? To stay up later? To drive? To party? I'm much older now So are those around me Where are my cartoons? Where are my lullabyes? Am I going to make my bills on time? Am I going to hit my quota? Is my family okay? Are my friends mad at me? I can stay up late I can go wherever I want I wish I was younger. Things seem to just keep building up. Ratting in my brain like this annoying buzzing noise that you just can't get to go away. All day I think about the same crap and how much it all really means to me. I sit and think about all these secrets going on in my head and how badly i wanna get them out. Then I think about the consequences letting them out will bring. Its like I know i'd feel better to finally get it off my chest but the outcome would probably devestate me. or others. I don't want to lose my friends. They think I don't wanna hang outwith them anymore. In a perfect world, i'd spend 24/7 with you guys. But it's not a perfect world is it. Because in a perfect world these silly conflicts wouldn't occur. For the 2 i hope are reading this. Don't phase me out. Cause hangin out wit u, is one of the few things in life that make me happy. Happy? What does it mean? I mean common its just a word right? Nope. Its the truest emotion a person can posess. Even more so than love. Its a self emotion that either you or someone around you can bring. Tonight, thats what i felt. My friends, my group no my family was all back together tonight. I dont think i could have been any happier about it. 3:30am came when we were finally ready to call it a night and at that point i think i might have given anything for just 10 more minutes. Nothing could touch me tonight. Just hangin out, I cant even describe how much fun I had and what it meant to me. We all go to school at seperate places and our schedules seem to be all opossite times but even through that, when everyone comes home, its like no time has passed. Thats when you know you've got it good, and let me tell you, i've got it good. If any of you are reading this, sorry your stuck with me. I'm attatched. Hehe. Friends come and go, but family is forever, and you guys, your forever. I opened up this journal entry just over a half hour ago. Sitting here i've been staring at this blank page just trying to figure out how to put my emotions into words. My drive and my ambition is gone. My will to live is gone. I go to sleep every night, I don't even care if I wake up in the morning. When I do wake up, it's with the sun. I get in the shower, get dressed and everything and then i drive to work. Im swamped with work all day and I usually leave just as the sun is going down. I then go to school and sit in the class with my eyes closing for just the amount of time before I feel like i'm going to jump out of my skin. I go to the gym then for an hour or so, sometimes more and finally make it home around 1am. I do homework for around 2 hours, hop in another shower and crawl into bed around 4. Just to wake up with the sun the next morning. A zombie. My schedule isnt makeing me upset, just tired. I'm lucky if I'm getting 15 hours of sleep a week. When I wake up, the first thing I do is stare into the mirror. I feel like I want to throw up everytime I do. I hate what I see. The person staring back at me, I just wish didn't exist. I disguist myself and I hate myself. I look and all I see is a slob. It's absolutely horrifying and scares the shit out of me. I'm so scared that im destined to live my life by myself. Even as i'm writing this now, i'm shaking. I have so many problems and just don't know where to begin. This is why I push myself to go to the gym every night. If I can't stand to look at myself, how can I expect a girl to look at me. I can't think of one attractive quality about myself. Mentally or physically. I just hate where my life is and where its going, but most of all i'm just sick of myself. It's been a long time, but i'm actually in my house before midnight. I've been out almost every night for the last 2 months. It's a much needed rest. I'm finding myself missing alot of people though. My friends. The ones I spent almost every night with this past summer. Everyone went back to school and i've been hanging out with most of the group but its different. Just missing those couple of links ya know? Unfortunately I don't even get to speak to them much either. I guess around 10 or so of my friends have left already and i think i've spoken to each of them once or twice. Honestly, it sucks. But I understand. Its a different life for them and they're just livin it. It just seems like its gonna be forever before everyone is back together again and i gotta wonder, when everyone comes home again, is it gonna be like it was? Or am i never going to see any of them. Kinda scares me a lil. Today started like every ordinary day. Aside from the fact that it was my day off. At like 4 i went to go play some pool and when i came out, i noticed a voicemail on my phone. It was my mom. My father was at work and apparently his blood pressure went sky high and he was taken to the emergency room. My mom just called and told me they're admitting him for the night to try n get it down and monitor him. So now i'm sitting here flipping out, pacing back n forth. I don't know what to do. I know i'm not going to get any sleep tonight. It's gonna be a rough one. Over the last few weeks I have found myself becoming part of a "group". Hanging out with the same friends night after night and not only becoming better friends with them, but developing an extension to my family as well. These are the people I would trust my life with. Whether it be sitting in a backyard, trampoline, driving around or stopping by the haunted broken down docks and speeding away in fright. It never mattered what we were doing as long as I was with them. This has been a summer I will never forget and with any luck, when everyone comes home, things will continue right where we left off as if no one ever left. If you were with me Sunday night, you may have noticed a "different" Bryan. That's because there is one. As far as values and personality its still me but attitude. The attitude is what's changed. Before going out, I took a good look at myself in the mirror and what I saw was a person just so down it was disguisting and why? Why so down? Just over things I can't control. It's over. I'm sick of walking looking at my feet while missing everything that's going on in front of me. Sunday night, that was the real me. It's funny, I think at one point, I almost forgot how to have fun. I dont know if anyone noticed a difference but if you did, I hope you liked it. If not, tough. hehe. Night. -Bryan- So here we are. Summer as we know it is over. Where did the time go? It seems like yesterday it was May and everyone was first coming home and now what? Now everyone is leaving again. Back to there own lives and new friends and out of Bethpage. The lucky few who seem to have gotten out of this town that just sucks you in. So where am I going with this post? Am I depressed, am I saddened or am I happy for everyone. I could be selfish and say that this sucks and I hate it but that's not me. I'm going to miss all of you and i'm overjoyed that you were all able to move on to bigger and better things. I envy all of you for it. So as I sit, I tip my hat and raise my glass to all of you wishing you nothing but happiness and good luck for this future semester. As for me? Where will I be? I'll be here. In bethpage. Still working my same 75 hours a week. basically 8am-9pm at work and then right to school till around midnight. Home hopefully by 1230. and hopefully asleep by around 4 just to repeat the cycle. Well, they say all good things have to come to an end, and this one has. I hope everyone has fun back up at school. Don't forget about me. When people look at me, what do they see? Who do they see? What kind of person am I? Have I done anything to leave an impression on anyone? What kind of impression do I leave on people? I ask these questions to myself all the time. I think there are so many things i'd like to change about myself in every aspect that i would rather just be a whole nother person. Right now im in this whole nostalgic mood cause i'm watchin old movies from when i was younger and old family movies. Wishing things were like that again. Where my biggest care was getting home in time to watch my favorite tv show. Now the things I have to worry about are payin bills and meeting deadlines at work. It's amazing how things change. And as for tonight. Tonight was amazing. I had a very long overdue "reunion" with my father. We havent spent any time together and tonight we did. Just the two of us. I wouldnt have traded it for n e thing. Every part of me wanted to just go to sleep when i got home from work but it was well worth staying awake. But it is 3am and i have to be up at 7 and i still have reports to finish for work. i'll see everyone soon. It seems like it was exactly a year ago that I made a post about how we graduated high school and how everyone was leaving for school but I was still stuck here in Bethpage. You would think that i've grown up enough already to just let things go. I guess I havent. Tonight I went to the movies with all my favorite friends and had a really good time. Unitl about halfway through the movie. When my brain startin crankin and I got to thinkin. That time of the year is here again. Summer is ending and that means everyone goes they're seperate ways again. Everyone goes back to school to their other lives and other friends. But where to I go? I go to school, I go to the same job and everynight back to the same house. But no one else is here. Alone again. This summer has been great. Out every night with the people I care about and the people that care about me. And that will be gone in less than 2 weeks. No more driving around. No more hanging out at friends houses, no more bowling and movie trips or trips to the pool hall. I joke around all the time about how i was never in school like it's funny. It's not. I fucked up and in return I got fucked. The reason i'm still here is because I was the asshole who wanted a couple of extra minutes of sleep. I always ask myself was it worth it? Fuck no. Because every year now I have to say goodbye to everyone who leaves. It wouldnt be so hard if I was going somewhere too but I'm not. I'm still here in Bethpage. And I doubt i'm ever getting out. Less than 2 weeks left. And then that's it. It's over. Everyone goes on with there new lives while I sit here trapped in mine. |
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